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Post by Wildpaw on Nov 13, 2007 23:31:08 GMT -5
TITLE: Brokenstar's Betrayal
AUTHOR:Wildpaw
RATING:PG
PAIRINGS: It's a secret!!
SUMMARY: Brokenstar's leadership was a hard time for ShadowClan, with kits going missing mysteriously and suchlike......
WARNING:Traditional Warrior Cat violence, deaths..
BETA:No one
COVER: Coming!....
OTHER:This story is told from Brokenstar's and Yellowfang's point of view. It might be a little different from what really happened but, hey, it's a fanfic!!It also has a few extra cats in the clans!!
CHAPTER ONE: Brokentail
A loud yowl from the leader's den told me that some cat had found Raggedstar dead. A satisfied purr escaped my throat. Now, father, it's time to show you how to be a real leader! I walked out of the Warrior's den into the small clearing in the centre of the camp. The new apprentice, Darkpaw, was sitting looking terrified while his mother soothed him with comforting licks. Darkpaw had just seen a sight that would haunt him for the rest of his life. Poor thing, he'd only been named as an apprentice yesterday, I thought. The large warrior, Clawface, jumped upon the Deadtree. "Darkpaw has sadly found Raggedstar dead. We suspect an enemy warrior has killed him in the night." Grief-stricken yowls filled the clearing, and I noticed that there was an especially loud one from Yellowfang. Strange. "Raggedstar's deputy was Brokentail, and now he is Brokenstar. He will travel to the Moonnstone tonight to recieve his nine lives from StarClan. A mew of approval rippled through the Clan. I stood with straight legs and my head held high. I then jumped on the rock next to Clawface. "I will be proud to be a leader of this excellent Clan. Let my leadership be a long and profitable one." Yowls of approval and determination came from the cats below me. I stood higher, and felt proud that I was going to be leader of this loyal Clan.
PLEASE COMMENT!! LIKE IT? ;D
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Post by Wildpaw on Nov 15, 2007 0:33:48 GMT -5
CHAPTER 4:Yellowfang
The moment I heard that Raggedstar was dead, I knew who it was. My own kit, the only one who had survived the forbidden birth. Brokentail. Or as he will be called, Brokenstar. I yowled with grief and betrayal, sorrow and anger at Raggedstar's cruel death. Brokentail must have noticed that I yowled loudly as he turned his head sharply and glared at me with a look that could have pierced the Great Rock. I stared back with sorrow in my eyes as I realised that all my love with Raggedstar had done was cause grief, distress and one dangerous kit. The moment I saw that kit I named him because he broke my heart. Because he was the only one who survived. Because the others died. Because he had the air of vicious betrayal and murder about him. Because I would never be able to call him my son.
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Post by Morning on Nov 20, 2007 10:19:56 GMT -5
Hey Wildpaw!
This fanfiction has very good potential, to be blunt. Currently, it's not the best it could be. The chapters are awesome, but rather short. And you just totally skipped chapter 2 & 3, what heppened then? Try to prolong(sp?) reactions, and show don't tell! (ie- instead of saying that Darkpaw looked terrified, describe his features)
I really like the way you put the POV in the chapter title, and how it's in the first person.
You have a good fanfction emerging, and I can't wait to see the rest of it!
~Morning
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Post by Wildpaw on Nov 20, 2007 22:23:56 GMT -5
Thanks!! Next Chapters will be longer! I have no idea what happened to chapters 2+3! I just randomly put 4. I didn't mean to. ;D
My fanfics!
Sunset Island-Rejected Submissions
TigerClan, A new Destiny-Epics
The Founders of ValleyClan-Sagas
Poisonous Snake- Tribes and Loners
And..............This one.
I think I have some more fics put I can't remember......I think I wrote them down somewhere............*rummages in papers*.... ;D
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Post by Wildstar on Aug 6, 2008 0:53:24 GMT -5
Chapter 3 (the other one was Chapter 2)
Brokentail-star
I stalked proudly out of camp, my tail swishing happily. Ok, maybe happily is the wrong word. I have never been happy. Proud, dignified, maybe even satisfied. But never happy. The pine needles underneath my feet prick my paws slightly, making me flick them irritably every so often. I thought of Raggedstar, how foolish and happy and......fair he had been. I shivered with disgust and contempt. Stupid old cat. Now I will show him, and his little StarClan buddies, how a real leader should be. As soon as I had gotten my 9 lives tonight I would be unstoppable. ShadowClan would rise above the Clans, and rule the forest. THAT, would show them snivelling ThunderClan cats. Immersed in my thoughts, I didn't notice the tree branch ahead of me. SMACK! I staggered back, dazed and confused. I had been running fast (because I'm the fastest runner in the whole forest, faster than wimpy WindClan!) and had hit the branch with considerable force. I sat down and shook myself, my head buzzing. I tasted blood dripping in my mouth, and swore "Foxdung!"
I tentitavly licked the top of my mouth and felt a long but not deep scratch.Phew. I'll live.
Oh Dark forest! All this time I have never checked for enemy cats. I whipped my head around, wincing as pain shot through me. Stupid tree. Wait! That bush just moved! I stalked forward, growling sinister threats, and pounced on the bush. That was when I realised that the bush had been blown by the wind. Feeling like an idiot, I glanced sheepishly round. A soft laugh came from behind me. I spun round, and saw a tabby cat sitting there, watching fondly as I glared at him. What in the forest? I thought, stunned.
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Post by Icestorm on Aug 6, 2008 11:38:24 GMT -5
This is really good! Continue soon! =^^=
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Post by Wildstar on Aug 7, 2008 0:00:22 GMT -5
OK I will as soon as I have finished practising piano.......about 30 mins....
Thanks! I noticed no one else had done anything about Brokenstar so I thought I would..
I haven't written this for a while and when I read it I was like.....wOw! Did I write this? 0_o
That was weird......ha! Silly old Brokenstar walking into a tree and pouncing on an "enemy intruder" which was atually a bush......
Anyway, feel free to read my other fanfics (youll see them above somewhere!)
Thanx again!
;D
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Post by Wildstar on Aug 9, 2008 15:52:45 GMT -5
Sliver, do you like it? Ha read my description in my signature!
;D
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Post by Silvereye on Aug 9, 2008 15:55:38 GMT -5
I really like this one. Chapter three's a bit random, though. =/
Another thing. He's stalking around the forest, then suddenly you learn that he's been running? Nuh-uh. Somewhere along the line you need to mention him running, before we gets whacked in the head.
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Post by Wildstar on Aug 9, 2008 16:03:54 GMT -5
No, if you read it he stalks out of camp. Then he runs. You are a black cat? I always thought you were like Silverstream....?
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Post by Silvereye on Aug 9, 2008 19:33:54 GMT -5
No, no. I'm all black with silver eyes. And I already read your signature. =D I LOVE the color black for cats. It's just awesome.
Yes, I know that, but you don't mention that he started running until after he whacks himself on the head. Because of this, we have to change the picture in our head of what's been happening.
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Post by Wildstar on Aug 10, 2008 1:46:31 GMT -5
So?
Anyway, you manage to look dazzling even when you have been rolling in fox dung? uh-uh.
you manage to look dazzling when you have fallen in a bowl of tomato ketchup and then feathers?
Uh-uh.
;D
Sorry I just had to do that!
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Post by Wildstar on Aug 10, 2008 1:47:35 GMT -5
wOw, long comment!
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Post by Icestorm on Apr 21, 2009 14:36:36 GMT -5
I still love this X3
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Post by Wildstar on Apr 21, 2009 14:53:08 GMT -5
Lol thanks I still have to continue it! ;D I see you are at work getting rid of the spammers YAY!!!!!!!! ;D ;D  |
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