Post by Mossleg on Sept 26, 2007 20:48:06 GMT -5
Title: Guilt and Redemption
Author: Mossleg
Chapters: Two.
Pairing: AshxSquirrel, SquirrelxBramble
Rating: G
Spoilers: Sunset, the Sight
Summary: I don't know if Ashfur is a traitor, but I know he's not "evil." If he did betray Brambleclaw, this is what I imagine would happen, how he would feel.
Disclaimer: I certainly do not own Warriors or the books. If I did, they would not have so many inconsistencies!
I'll start by admitting to you right now that I did it. That's right, I did it. But don't you say anything. Don't you think I feel bad enough?
I had never expected...Hawkfrost didn't tell me the whole plan. All I had to do was to say ShadowClan's scent was on the border. He never told me what he would do to my leader. I would never do that to Firestar. He gave me everything. My name, a chance, long ago, to honor my mother and help the Clan...
Hawkfrost told me that he had a plan to ruin Brambleclaw. He told me...that he would be exposed for the coward he was. It surprised me that Hawkfrost had used that term, and surprised that his voice sounded stiff, as though he were parroting back instructions from someone else. But I hadn't thought of that then. I just thought of the word "coward." As much as I hated Brambleclaw at that moment, I admired his courage, and would never have called him a coward.
But I was certain that he felt no duty to his Clan. Only to himself. Perhaps that was what Hawkfrost meant.
But then, he was the one who planted a trap for Firestar on the woods.
How could I have ever believed him?
That plan, had it worked his way, would make Brambleclaw ThunderClan leader.
Looking back, I feel as though I must have been blind, and perhaps I was, I was blinded by jealousy.
But Squirrelflight is like the sun to me. She was. She made everything good, brought out the best in me, exposed the truth in everything with her coarse honesty.
Her honesty... she loved Brambleclaw after all.
How could she not choose him, I wonder now, she went with him on the Great Journey. She was not one of the chosen, she told me that she wanted an adventure. But now I realize that maybe some part of her just wanted to be with Brambleclaw. She loved him from the beginning...How could she not choose him?
But I was so sure that he could not be trusted. I felt--no, I knew--that he was controlled only by jealousy, jealous of Firestar, of me, for I had Squirrelflight as a mate, so I thought, but maybe I just dreamed that, maybe I just wanted the great warrior Brambleclaw to be jealous of me for once. But than, the roles became reversed.
Suddenly I was the cat plotting with a RiverClan cat. Consorting with the second son of Tigerstar, plotting vengeance against another cat.
I thought I learned long ago that vengeance is meaningless. It just leaves dead cats at your paws.
I hated Brambleclaw, but I can promise to you, by all the stars in the sky, I never wanted him dead.
That puts me miles away from the league of Tigerstar, doesn't it?
But it does no good to reassure yourself, to say "at least I didn't do this," because I was evil, I could feel it in my heart, but I didn't recognize it, had no idea what it was.
I can be sure that the great deputy Brambleclaw never felt this way. Never.
Because he is not a coward.
I am.
I know immediately that I am in the world of dreaming, for I am in the old forest, and two starry cats approach.
My mother is the first to come into focus. I rush to Brindleface, but pull back before reaching her.
She has a smile still on her face, but the happiness left her eyes clearly, like water pouring from fern.
But I don't deserve her comfort.
"My son, I wish I could say I am proud of you. But I cannot."
I respond resignedly, "I am not a worthy Warrior of StarClan"
Her eyes get sadder still, but I see, or perhaps hope that I see, pride in her eyes that I care enough for StarClan not to dishonor them with my presence.
She tells me, "You are always worthy to me, my son."
I am about to thrust myself at her at the invitation, but a new voice stops me: "He will not be worthy until he feels himself worthy."
The new cat comes into focus. Whitestorm.
I bow deeply to him, as though he is still deputy.
He does not acknowledge me. He turns to Brindleface; "You cannot comfort him anymore just by being here."
I am suddenly angry at him. I finally see my mother again, and he ruins it!
"Ashfur" he growls to me sternly, "you could be forgiven by every cat in the forest, every cat in StarClan, and there will still be one cat who has not forgiven you for your treachery, your act of jealousy."
"Let me guess," I hiss at him. "You, right?"
Before he can respond, I turn to Brindleface.
"I am sorry I did what I did. I am sorry I plotted with Tigerstar's kin. I am no better than the dark warrior himself!" I wail to her.
She cannot see the look she gives me, as my head is bowed with shame. But I can feel her love coming off of her. She says to Whitestorm, "He has given himself enough grief without you adding onto it!"
I look to Whitestorm to see his reaction. But he is smiling.
"Brindleface, don't you see? He has proven my point."
I look to him. "What do you mean?"
He looked back to me.
"The one cat who has not forgiven you is you, my son."
My son!
How could the son of the noble hero Whitestorm and the kind-hearted Brindleface have done what I did?
"What can I do?" I ask him. "What can I do to redeem myself to StarClan, to ThunderClan?"
But he looks at me with suspicion. "Do you truly want to help the Clan above all, or do you just want to be better than Tigerstar?"
I hesitate. "I want to end this guilt," I tell them honestly.
Brindleface smiles again. "Let him redeem himself, Whitestorm. Understanding can come later."
Whitestorm looks to her, as though to argue, but stops.
"You are right," he sighs. "That is the best I can hope for."
I hate being a disappointment. But I cannot wallow in self-pity, for he speaks to me, and besides, I have pitied myself more than enough lately.
"Listen closely, my son. In five moons, three kits will be apprenticed. You will mentor one of these kits."
Could that be all? Is that my redemption?
"They are the kits of Brambleclaw."
I feel a bit nauseous, but harden myself. Of course he will have kits; they will be a credit to ThunderClan.
"I would be honored to mentor the kin of our deputy" I force myself to say.
Whitestorm's eyes blink slowly, and I am reminded of a drift of snow shifting on a mountain.
"This is your redemption, Ashfur. Make that apprentice a credit to his Clan, a great warrior. Let the blood of Brambleclaw live on. You must accept what you have always known: Bramblelcaw is not your enemy."
I look to my mother, my father, and know that I must do this for them. I do not dare look to myself, in case it makes me change my mind.
"I will do this."
Something glimmers in my father's eyes, but he does not smile at me like Brindleface does.
She is the one who gently reprimands me, as a mother does, "Do not treat this as a chore, Ashfur. Be proud of your apprentice. Care for your apprentice as you did Birchpaw."
I inwardly vow at that moment that I will not use this apprentice for ill as I did Birchpaw.
I will do something about Tigerstar's blood in the Clan. I will destroy his evil blood the way a Warrior does: I will crush it from the kits by honoring them, teaching them to be as loyal as they can be. If I teach this cat right, he will never turn out like Tigerstar, or Hawkfrost.
He will never turn out like me.
"Ashfur," Firestar calls. "Have you thought about what I have asked you?"
"Of course I have, Firestar."
"I know you recently finished training Birchfall, but I we are a tad short on mentors." He laughed then, full of pride at the size of his Clan. "I know that you are a fantastic mentor." He stopped, and searched my face thoughtfully. "You know you will have to train Lionkit: Hollykit wishes to be Leafpool's apprentice, and Jaykit can't.." He stopped suddenly, and looked ashamed for thinking those thoughts, however true, about the blind apprentice.
I listen to Firestar without ever really taking it in. I know what I must do, and more talk may ruin my resolve.
"I will do it Firestar."
My eyes travel to Brambleclaw, who is watching his kits with fatherly pride, and I wonder if my own father is so proud of me.
Brambleclaw turns and spots me watching him. He dips his head to me. He face shows no greeting, but his eyes are filled with respect.
"I would be honored to train Lionkit."
Author: Mossleg
Chapters: Two.
Pairing: AshxSquirrel, SquirrelxBramble
Rating: G
Spoilers: Sunset, the Sight
Summary: I don't know if Ashfur is a traitor, but I know he's not "evil." If he did betray Brambleclaw, this is what I imagine would happen, how he would feel.
Disclaimer: I certainly do not own Warriors or the books. If I did, they would not have so many inconsistencies!
Guilt
I'll start by admitting to you right now that I did it. That's right, I did it. But don't you say anything. Don't you think I feel bad enough?
I had never expected...Hawkfrost didn't tell me the whole plan. All I had to do was to say ShadowClan's scent was on the border. He never told me what he would do to my leader. I would never do that to Firestar. He gave me everything. My name, a chance, long ago, to honor my mother and help the Clan...
Hawkfrost told me that he had a plan to ruin Brambleclaw. He told me...that he would be exposed for the coward he was. It surprised me that Hawkfrost had used that term, and surprised that his voice sounded stiff, as though he were parroting back instructions from someone else. But I hadn't thought of that then. I just thought of the word "coward." As much as I hated Brambleclaw at that moment, I admired his courage, and would never have called him a coward.
But I was certain that he felt no duty to his Clan. Only to himself. Perhaps that was what Hawkfrost meant.
But then, he was the one who planted a trap for Firestar on the woods.
How could I have ever believed him?
That plan, had it worked his way, would make Brambleclaw ThunderClan leader.
Looking back, I feel as though I must have been blind, and perhaps I was, I was blinded by jealousy.
But Squirrelflight is like the sun to me. She was. She made everything good, brought out the best in me, exposed the truth in everything with her coarse honesty.
Her honesty... she loved Brambleclaw after all.
How could she not choose him, I wonder now, she went with him on the Great Journey. She was not one of the chosen, she told me that she wanted an adventure. But now I realize that maybe some part of her just wanted to be with Brambleclaw. She loved him from the beginning...How could she not choose him?
But I was so sure that he could not be trusted. I felt--no, I knew--that he was controlled only by jealousy, jealous of Firestar, of me, for I had Squirrelflight as a mate, so I thought, but maybe I just dreamed that, maybe I just wanted the great warrior Brambleclaw to be jealous of me for once. But than, the roles became reversed.
Suddenly I was the cat plotting with a RiverClan cat. Consorting with the second son of Tigerstar, plotting vengeance against another cat.
I thought I learned long ago that vengeance is meaningless. It just leaves dead cats at your paws.
I hated Brambleclaw, but I can promise to you, by all the stars in the sky, I never wanted him dead.
That puts me miles away from the league of Tigerstar, doesn't it?
But it does no good to reassure yourself, to say "at least I didn't do this," because I was evil, I could feel it in my heart, but I didn't recognize it, had no idea what it was.
I can be sure that the great deputy Brambleclaw never felt this way. Never.
Because he is not a coward.
I am.
Redemption
I know immediately that I am in the world of dreaming, for I am in the old forest, and two starry cats approach.
My mother is the first to come into focus. I rush to Brindleface, but pull back before reaching her.
She has a smile still on her face, but the happiness left her eyes clearly, like water pouring from fern.
But I don't deserve her comfort.
"My son, I wish I could say I am proud of you. But I cannot."
I respond resignedly, "I am not a worthy Warrior of StarClan"
Her eyes get sadder still, but I see, or perhaps hope that I see, pride in her eyes that I care enough for StarClan not to dishonor them with my presence.
She tells me, "You are always worthy to me, my son."
I am about to thrust myself at her at the invitation, but a new voice stops me: "He will not be worthy until he feels himself worthy."
The new cat comes into focus. Whitestorm.
I bow deeply to him, as though he is still deputy.
He does not acknowledge me. He turns to Brindleface; "You cannot comfort him anymore just by being here."
I am suddenly angry at him. I finally see my mother again, and he ruins it!
"Ashfur" he growls to me sternly, "you could be forgiven by every cat in the forest, every cat in StarClan, and there will still be one cat who has not forgiven you for your treachery, your act of jealousy."
"Let me guess," I hiss at him. "You, right?"
Before he can respond, I turn to Brindleface.
"I am sorry I did what I did. I am sorry I plotted with Tigerstar's kin. I am no better than the dark warrior himself!" I wail to her.
She cannot see the look she gives me, as my head is bowed with shame. But I can feel her love coming off of her. She says to Whitestorm, "He has given himself enough grief without you adding onto it!"
I look to Whitestorm to see his reaction. But he is smiling.
"Brindleface, don't you see? He has proven my point."
I look to him. "What do you mean?"
He looked back to me.
"The one cat who has not forgiven you is you, my son."
My son!
How could the son of the noble hero Whitestorm and the kind-hearted Brindleface have done what I did?
"What can I do?" I ask him. "What can I do to redeem myself to StarClan, to ThunderClan?"
But he looks at me with suspicion. "Do you truly want to help the Clan above all, or do you just want to be better than Tigerstar?"
I hesitate. "I want to end this guilt," I tell them honestly.
Brindleface smiles again. "Let him redeem himself, Whitestorm. Understanding can come later."
Whitestorm looks to her, as though to argue, but stops.
"You are right," he sighs. "That is the best I can hope for."
I hate being a disappointment. But I cannot wallow in self-pity, for he speaks to me, and besides, I have pitied myself more than enough lately.
"Listen closely, my son. In five moons, three kits will be apprenticed. You will mentor one of these kits."
Could that be all? Is that my redemption?
"They are the kits of Brambleclaw."
I feel a bit nauseous, but harden myself. Of course he will have kits; they will be a credit to ThunderClan.
"I would be honored to mentor the kin of our deputy" I force myself to say.
Whitestorm's eyes blink slowly, and I am reminded of a drift of snow shifting on a mountain.
"This is your redemption, Ashfur. Make that apprentice a credit to his Clan, a great warrior. Let the blood of Brambleclaw live on. You must accept what you have always known: Bramblelcaw is not your enemy."
I look to my mother, my father, and know that I must do this for them. I do not dare look to myself, in case it makes me change my mind.
"I will do this."
Something glimmers in my father's eyes, but he does not smile at me like Brindleface does.
She is the one who gently reprimands me, as a mother does, "Do not treat this as a chore, Ashfur. Be proud of your apprentice. Care for your apprentice as you did Birchpaw."
I inwardly vow at that moment that I will not use this apprentice for ill as I did Birchpaw.
I will do something about Tigerstar's blood in the Clan. I will destroy his evil blood the way a Warrior does: I will crush it from the kits by honoring them, teaching them to be as loyal as they can be. If I teach this cat right, he will never turn out like Tigerstar, or Hawkfrost.
He will never turn out like me.
* * * *
"Ashfur," Firestar calls. "Have you thought about what I have asked you?"
"Of course I have, Firestar."
"I know you recently finished training Birchfall, but I we are a tad short on mentors." He laughed then, full of pride at the size of his Clan. "I know that you are a fantastic mentor." He stopped, and searched my face thoughtfully. "You know you will have to train Lionkit: Hollykit wishes to be Leafpool's apprentice, and Jaykit can't.." He stopped suddenly, and looked ashamed for thinking those thoughts, however true, about the blind apprentice.
I listen to Firestar without ever really taking it in. I know what I must do, and more talk may ruin my resolve.
"I will do it Firestar."
My eyes travel to Brambleclaw, who is watching his kits with fatherly pride, and I wonder if my own father is so proud of me.
Brambleclaw turns and spots me watching him. He dips his head to me. He face shows no greeting, but his eyes are filled with respect.
"I would be honored to train Lionkit."
