Graystripes's Goodbye [C, RC/TH]

[Skyheart]

Title: Graystripes's Goodbye
Chapters: Oneshot, Completed
Author: Skyheart
Email me at [e-mail], or contact me through Pm here
Pairing: N/A
Rating: [G]
Summary: Graystripe's goodbye to Silverstream just before he leaves the forest after escaping the Twolegs
Warning: N/A
Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors. Because if I did, Feathertail never would have died, and Leafpool would definately have not fallen in love with Crowy. Anyway, Warriors belongs to Erin Hunter and Harper Collins Publishers.
Beta: N/A
Cover: Not yet-In progress
Music Lips of an Angel-Hinder

Author's Notes: Good, honest critique appreciated, this is my first oneshot

Graystripe's Goodbye

Sunlight washed over the forest, casting shadows on the dense reeds of the river. A gray figure was emerging from the flowing river, his strong muscles flexing to his every move. The river flowed with a fierce edge to it's mement, yet a gentle touch as it carried the gray tom through it's clear waters to the Riverclan side of it's bank. He moved swiftly and silently as he approached a flat stretch of marshy ground. A loud thud from the opposite riverbank reminded him of the Twolegs that had almost cost him his life. Shaking the water from his fur, he stretched his figure and sat down on the damp, muddy ground.

He rose his head and looked to the sky with his sparkling yellow eyes.

"I miss you so much." he mewed carefully. "I don't want to leave. All you memory is here. But I have to do this for our clan. For our kits. For Stormfur. . .and Feathertail. I won't have let her die for nothing. " A tear sparkled in the sun's relection as is flowed down his face. "I love you."

Author's Notes: Yes, it's a bit short, but I'd like your honest opinion. Thanks!

[Blizz]

Posting Form [reviews] 1.0

Title: Graystripe's Goodbye
Reviewer: Blizz ([e-mail])

Plot: 5/10
This seems to be almost a drabble... since it is so short, there seems to be very little plot to comment on. Whether it's a plot issue or not; the set-up of the story is hard to distinguish. What's going on? Does this take place when Graystripe is coming home? How come there is no mark of the twoleg's descrution...?

Readability: 8/10
Very nice, but same problem as described above. If there was a bit more detail, it would be less confusing to read.

Mechanics: 10/10
I don't see any errors, though my eye isn't the sharpest for those.

Originality: 9/10
Graystripe's a heavily written theme, but if I'm correct in I disagreeumption of the setting and time-line here, it's fresh piece.

Characters: 10/10
Graystripe was quite in character, I could feel his grief. Nice job.

Description: 9/10
The description was beautiful. Love the eyes being described, leaves me with a lovely splash of bright yellow in my mind. The whole thing is very easy to picture... Very nice. The only thing I would want is a description of the river; which Silverstream loved so dearly.

Continuity: N/A
N/A

Overall: 78%
It's just too short for a really good grade, without an excuse. If you were to continue or add to this story, I can see it going two ways. 1. You could turn it into a drabble-- or more preferably, a double drabble. That means you challenge yourself to have exactly 100 words, or exactly 200 words respectively. 2. Just extend it a little more! The beginning was very confusing; I don't understand the setting, premise, or time-line.

[Icy]

Title: Graystripe's Goodbye
Reviewer: Icy

Plot: 6/10 Well, there is little to comment on. Maybe if you had added a little more, it would have been a little more complete and touching.

Readability: 8/10. Pretty good.

Mechanics: 9/10 Look through it and read it out loud.

Originality: 9/10
GrayxxSilver is common, but I haven't seen a setting like this.

Characters: 8/10.
That may be a little harsh on my part. Sorry. I really like Gray, but it didn't really shake me as original like some pieces do.

Description: 9/10
Beautiful, nicely done. Just make sure the story is not totally description, which is amazing but is not the main element. In the case of a bad story (not yours, just saying) description is wonderful, but that won't improve a bad grade.

Continuity: N/A
N/A

Overall: Oh, gosh. 78%, just like Blizz.
The description was definitely the strongest element. The story was too short to fit anything in. There was too much description, too little story. Nice to read, very nice to picture, but I definitely didn't realize he was about to leave the forest until I read it for the fifth time. It got confusing in the beginning, as well. Read it out loud. Look at it as if you were reading another's work. You're a good writer, but I can tell you can do better!! Work on it, and I'll be horrible compared to you.