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Post by Blizz on Feb 27, 2007 21:49:42 GMT -5
Title: BluexOak For Love
Author: Blizz
Pairing: Oakheart x Bluestar
Rating: G
Summary: How long can this go on before one of us breaks?
Warning: N/A
Disclaimer: Warriors belongs to those spiffy people at the big HC. <33
Cover: N/A
Author's Notes: Double-drabble people! EXACTLY 200 words, I be proud. Drabbles are a royal pain in the ass, getting the perfect word count... >_> This may turn into a four-partner series of drabbles, four seasons of BluexOak. (Who pwn your canon.)
“Oakheart?” A tremble of a voice, made so by secret tears cast onto the muddy river bank seconds before, broke the silence.
“Yes Bluefur?” A handsome rusty coloured tom stepped out of the foliage, and the moon left the clouds, casting a dramatic silver light over both of them.The gurgling river was nearly silent, reduced to little more then a brook by the green-leaf drought.
The blue furred she-cat’s voice choked, realizing her mate had seen her earlier tears. “This... I can not...”
“Do you love me?” Came the reply, a voice who already knew the answer.
“Oakheart- You know I-” She gazed at him with blue eyes, full of pain and misery.
“Then let this go on... For just a little longer.” He begged, his own heart torn in two. His Clan, or the she-cat he loved, both caused him great pain. He knew what Ocherstar, his father, would say. It was not befitting of him, a leader’s son. Shame and love burned his heart.
“I fear a little longer will be too late.” She murmured, stepping forward to press her muzzle against his side in a comforting gesture.
“I want... to take that risk, for love.”
“For love.”
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Post by Icy on Mar 1, 2007 18:31:27 GMT -5
Title: For Love
Reviewer: Icy eastfarmpanda@yahoo.com
Plot: 8/10 I've seen a lot of BlueOaks (even wrote one myself). I haven't seen many like this one, though. I really like it, even though it could be a little more original.
Readability: 9/10
Well done.
Mechanics: 8/10
Eek. This is where evil Icy the walking grammar/spellcheck comes in.
A tremble of a voice, made so by secret tears cast onto the muddy river bank seconds before, broke the silence. (That's good, you used the comma to set off the explanatory phrase well, but it still took me a few tries to understand it. Look at it, and if you can do anything to make it shorter/clearer, then do it.)
“Yes Bluefur?” (It should be "Yes COMMA Bluefur". Commas, Blizzard.
A handsome rusty coloured tom stepped out of the foliage, and the moon left the clouds, casting a dramatic silver light over both of them. (Runon sentence/doesn't make sense. Those should be two separate sentences).
Came the reply,a voice who already knew the answer. (There should be a space after the comma.)
Then let this go on... For just a little longer.” He begged.
(Here, let me put how I would write it:
"Then let this go on...for a little longer," he begged.
Basically I uncapitalized the f, took out the space before for, made the period a comma, and uncapitalized he.)
Originality: 8/10
(no comment)
Characters: 9.85/10
I loved your characters. Really thought they were good.
Description: 7/10
The emotions were well done, but the rest of the description...all I can say, is I have seen Blizzard do better.
Overall: 80%
For most writers, I would think it would be really good, but I have seen Blizzy do better, even if I love this piece.
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Post by Firestar on Mar 4, 2007 14:35:53 GMT -5
Title: For Love Reviewer: Firestar (taylor_macneil@hotmail.com)Plot: 9/10 Loved the plot, you can tell Blue and Oak really did care for each other ever so deeply. It seemed to clear up alot of questions for me.  Great job. Readability: 10/10 Everything was easy to follow, and was beautifully written. Mechanics: 7/10 There was some errors that I would've wished for you to check over. As Icy pointed out, commas are something you need to work out on. Originality: 9/10 The plot was easy and simple. I liked it alot, but I've read two or three fan-fictions of similiar a idea of the scene. Characters: 8/10 You brought out emoction in Bluefur that I probably only saw once in the series. If was terrific! But I thought you should've made Oakheart seem a little less emoctional. I've never seen him like that. It was just a suggestion. Description: 9/10 I could picture everything perfectly. Lovely! I only wish that there was a picture. Overall: 82% / 100& Overall, it was above average. I suggest for future fan-fictions that you revise your work. Anyway, great job, Blizz! 
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Post by Icy on Mar 4, 2007 19:36:20 GMT -5
Title: For Love Reviewer: Firestar (taylor_macneil@hotmail.com)Plot: 9/10 Loved the plot, you can tell Blue and Oak really did care for each other ever so deeply. It seemed to clear up alot of questions for me. Great job. Readability: 10/10 Everything was easy to follow, and was beautifully written. Mechanics: 7/10 There was some errors that I would've wished for you to check over. As Icy pointed out, commas are something you need to work out on. Originality: 9/10 The plot was easy and simple. I liked it alot, but I've read two or three fan-fictions of similiar a idea of the scene. Characters: 8/10 You brought out emoction in Bluefur that I probably only saw once in the series. If was terrific! But I thought you should've made Oakheart seem a little less emoctional. I've never seen him like that. It was just a suggestion. Description: 9/10 I could picture everything perfectly. Lovely! I only wish that there was a picture. Overall: 82% / 100& Overall, it was above average. I suggest for future fan-fictions that you revise your work. Anyway, great job, Blizz! -shrugs- Proper punctuation is my thing...xD I was sort of wondering about double drabble. Why do you do it on purpose...I never do word count on oneshots (or anything, unless I have to.) Just wondering. I've never heard of drabbles/double drabble before. I must be an internet mousebrain, so ignorant I ignore the smallest things-- --ignore me. I'm talking to myself again ^^. Though my prealgebra teacher considers an 80% B-, I agree with Fire. It is above average, Blizzard. |
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Stealth (IMW)
New Member
Master of the Size 1 Writing!!!!
Posts: 1
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Post by Stealth (IMW) on Mar 8, 2007 15:44:01 GMT -5
Title: For Love
Reviewer: Stealth (supercat@stx.rr.com)
Plot: 8/10
Wonderful! Something pulled me in... It was brilliant! Sheer best-seller!
Readability: 9/10
Perfectly Readable..
Mechanics: 7/10
Of course I agree with both Firestar and Icy.. commas ,,
Originality: 9/10
It was almost-perfect; as nothing is perfect! I have read many fan-fics, like
this just not as emotional and pulling.
Characters: 8/10
It was pulling, emotional, like the real books. Something in there was
just a little distracting about Oakheart though. But it was like the real thing.
Description: 8/10
That was wonderful! I loved how it blended!
Overall: 86%/100%
Lovely.. I liked how it flowed into one.. alot better then I couldve done.
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Great job.
