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Post by Darknight on Apr 1, 2007 12:08:48 GMT -5
Title: Looking Up
Chapters: Oneshot
Author: Darknight
Pairing: N/A
Rating: [G]
Summary: The relationship between Stormpaw and his mentor Stonefur.
Warning: N/A
Disclaimer: Dude, if I owned Warriors, Fireheart/star wouldn't have been a Gary-stu.
Beta: (If you're interested, PM me... Please.)
Cover: N/A
Author's Notes: This just came to me last night... ^^ I hope it doesn't sound too terribly lame..
Looking Up
Sharp amber eyes looked down at his own dark gray fur, like the storm clouds he'd been named after. Yes, it was his father's pelt too, but this time, it was being compared to a different cat instead.
Looking up, Stormpaw couldn't help but notice that Stonefur's gray pelt was only a shade darker. Almost like he could be my dad... Stormpaw thought, and, for once, didn't regret it. Graystripe had chosen ThunderClan over them, why couldn't Stormpaw choose Stonefur over him? The apprentice's eyes couldn't help but notice the way the deputy's thick muscles rippled with power as he stalked silently through the brush. I want to be that strong someday!
Stonefur flicked his tail and the two stopped. Several fox-lengths in front of them, a squirrel was crouched down, nibbling delicately on a seed. Its dark eyes flicked back and forth warily, but didn't rest on them. With another flick of his tail, Stonefur told Stormpaw to go for the rodent. Bunching his young muscles together, the apprentice wriggled his rear in anticipation and leapt forward.
He landed nowhere near his mark. The squirrel was up the nearest tree in a flash of gray, leaving the half-eaten seed where it had just sat.
"Bad luck," Stonefur said, coming over. He was trying to hide a smile, but Stormpaw could tell he was amused. "Next time, stalk towards it a little more." He paused. "What stalk do you use to hunt squirrels, Stormpaw?"
Eagerly, Stormpaw exclaimed, "This one!" and dropped into a crouch to demonstrate. However, he noticed Stonefur's frown quickly and blushed beneath his fur. That obviously wasn't the right one...
"Go like this," Stonefur instructed patiently. He took a few silent, but powerful, steps before holding the position. Stormpaw, standing at his side, mirrored the pose.
Yeah, I want to be just like him! |
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Post by Blizz on Apr 1, 2007 13:45:19 GMT -5
**Admin note: Read the protocal about supplying ratings for your stories with the message icons. I've done this story's for you ^^
Title: Looking Up
Author: Darknight
Reviewer: Blizz (starclan@rogers.com)
Plot: 10/10
Very original and realistic point of view! I really enjoyed it; especially the part about where Stormpaw it slightly bitter towards Graystripe, I would think that he should have more of that in the books. If you were to expand the plot of this fic, I would expand on that part.
Readability: 9/10
Pretty good, I can't see any major problems. I'm in love with the introduction, in the way Stormpaw is comparing himself to Stonefur (cute!). It's such a short and contained fic that it made a nice read, but I would love more!
Mechanics: 10/10
I didn't catch anything, of course that doesn't mean theres nothing there. I would get a good beta to glance it over just in case. =)
Originality: 10/10
The plot and the idea was very original. I haven't seen Stonefur training his apprentice before. As I said in Plot, the part with Stormpaw being bitter with his father was excellent and very original.
Characters: 8/10
Stonefur and Stormpaw are hard to place. I remember Stonefur being slightly colder, but we didn't see nearly enough of his character to be sure. Stormpaw was apprentice cute, cute, cute, and I wouldn't change it, but again, I know him being slightly colder in the series.
Description: 7/10
The scenery and actions could be desribed more, but fine wording. The voices could be described better as well, overall more description, which would also help lenghen the story.
Continuity: NA/10
Oneshot.
Overall: 90% A
A wonderful little fic, which could use a bit more detail and shaping of the characters. Very fluffy and cute, which is always appreicated  I hope to see more of your work soon! [/sub] |
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I hope to see more of your work soon!